Luuuv

I sidste uge kom jeg hjem fra en skøn uge i England. 

Det der sker er at jeg for små tre uger siden sad jeg og stenede på Tinder (surprise). Jeg faldt over ham her, som egentlig så meget godt ud. Han havde ingen profil tekst, og normalt swiper jeg til venstre når der ikke er en profil tekst, men der var bare noget indeni mig der sagde at jeg skulle swipe til højre. Så det gjorde jeg. I første omgang var der intet match, men efter et par timer kom det så. Jeg ville så gerne skrive til ham, for hvad nu hvis han ikke skrev til mig. Der var bare noget ved ham. Efter fem minutter hvor jeg prøvede at forfatte en cool åbningsbesked, men jeg kunne slet ikke komme på noget, så jeg skrev bare ‘Hi :)’, og derefter tænkte jeg bare ‘fuck…’ for jeg var overbevist om at det der, det gad han ikke svare på. For helt ærligt.. Sådan noget gider jeg ikke engang selv svare på, så hvorfor skulle han gøre det?

Der gik måske en time, og så svarede han. Han skrev præcis det samme. Jeg fortsætter med et ‘What’s up?’ og så kørte den faktisk derfra. 
Den aften skulle jeg være hos Liv, og jeg sad faktisk og skrev med ham hele aftenen. På et tidspunkt skal Liv have herrebesøg, og vi har den aftale at når det kommer til hendes fyre, så har jeg en kæreste, for jeg gider ikke det der med at folk jeg ingen interesse har i lægger an på mig (tro mig, det sker ofte!). 
På et tidspunkt, jeg kan ikke huske hvordan vi kommer ind på det, så skal jeg ringe til ham på FaceTime. Så det gør jeg. Fordi jeg har den der ‘skyd først, tænk aldrig’ mentalitet flyver disse ord bare ud af mig: ‘Hey, I know this is an odd request, but can you do me the favor of pretending to be my boyfriend when my friends date comes over?’. Han grinte lidt, men sagde at det kunne han godt. 
Ham duden kom over, og mit lille skuespil gik ganske fint. På et tidspunkt bliver jeg smidt ud på badeværelset, og det ender med jeg sidder på FaceTime og snakker med ham i tre timer. Siden den aften, har vi skrevet og FaceTime’t hver dag/aften.

Efter en uge med nærmest konstant snak, kunne jeg godt mærke at jeg synes godt nok han var sød. Jeg synes han var et fantastisk menneske, og jeg kunne mærke jeg kunne rigtig godt lide ham. Jeg besluttede mig for at være ærlig, og sige at jeg egentlig godt kunne lide ham. Og det viste sig at han havde det på samme måde, så det blev jeg virkelig glad for. 
Vi snakkede om at vi skulle besøge hinanden, og vi fandt frem til at jeg skulle tage det første besøg. Så en uge inden jeg skulle afsted, bestilte jeg billetter. Lige der fik jeg en følelse af at nu blev det lige lidt virkeligt, men samtidig også meget surrealistisk. 

Endelig kom dagen hvor jeg skulle afsted. Jeg skulle først flyve kl otte om aftenen, så jeg synes bare hele dagen var lang. Jeg havde valgt først at pakke på dagen for at holde mig selv beskæftiget, men jeg var færdig med at pakke på en halv time. Så resten af dagen var bare så lang. Efter aftensmaden kørte min far mig ud til lufthavnen, hvor jeg lige røg en cigaret, og så gik jeg op igennem security. Selvfølgelig var mit fly en halv time forsinket, men jeg kom afsted. Flyveturen derover føltes overraskende kort, men at gå fra flyet og ud til ankomsthallen var bare lang. 
Jeg havde for det første haft en skod tur, og for det andet havde jeg sindssygt mange sommerfugle i maven og jeg var så nervøs. Jeg kommer ud, og jeg ser ham. Jeg går derover og giver ham et kæmpe kram. Han giver mig et kys på kinden, og jeg kan mærke at jeg begynder at ryste fordi jeg er så nervøs.

Vi hyggede os så meget, tog ud og shoppede, tog i parken og nød solen, og en enkelt dag tog vi til Camden i London. Der var rigtig mange mennesker hvilket jeg kan have svært ved, men Matthew holdt mig i hånden hele dagen. Som om han vidste at jeg følte mig en anelse utryg ved situationen. 
Jeg kunne mærke på mig selv at jeg faldt mere og mere for ham. Han er bare… Ubeskrivelig. Han er virkelig sød ved mig, jeg er aldrig blevet behandlet så godt før af en mand. Han er sjov, vi har præcis den samme humor. Jeg kan fortælle ham alt, og jeg er fuldstændig tryg ved ham. Jeg ved jeg kan fortælle ham hvad som helst, og han vil stadig være der. Han tackler min sygdom og specielt min paranoia rigtig flot. Jeg vågnede en nat og sagde til ham at jeg følte der stod nogen og kiggede på mig. Det eneste han gjorde var at holde mig tættere ind mod ham og nusse mig i søvn. De fleste var blevet skræmt halvt ihjel. Han har en fantastisk personlighed, en personlighed man kun kan forelske sig i. Jeg må ærligt erkende at jeg nok er gået hen og blevet lidt vild med ham. 

Som tingene ser ud lige nu, så er vi ikke kærester. Ihvertfald ikke officielt? Grunden til det er at Matthew er lidt ubeslutsom. Eller.. Nej.. Det er han egentlig ikke. Han har bare ikke lyst til at kaste sig ud i noget for hurtigt, og det kan jeg kun have respekt for. Vi har snakket om at vi skal vente med at tage en beslutning til vi ses igen i august. Det er så underligt at jeg skal sige det her, men selv hvis han skulle vælge mig fra.. Jo, jeg ville da blive utrolig ked af det, men jeg ville fortsat snakke med ham, og han vil have en helt særlig plads i mit hjerte. 

Lige nu ser jeg bare frem til at jeg skal over til ham i en uge fra d. 4. august. Så kommer han over og besøger mig i slutningen af august måned, og det kan ikke beskrives hvor meget jeg glæder mig til han kommer. Jeg er selvfølgelig nervøs for det med at han  skal møde Vincent, men planen er at jeg introducerer ham som min kammerat. Jeg glæder mig til at han skal møde min familie. Jeg glæder mig til han skal møde mine kammerater, som også glæder sig til at møde ham. Jeg glæder mig til at vise ham den by, det land jeg kommer fra. Jeg savner ham helt ekstremt meget, men det kommer til at være hele ventetiden værd, når først jeg er i hans arme igen. 

Last week I came home from a great week in England.

Here’s how it went down. Three weeks ago I was sitting and swiping on Tinder (surprise). I found this guy, who looked pretty cute. He had no profile text, and usually when there’s no profile text I swipe left, but something deep inside me just told me that I should swipe right. So I did. It wasn’t a match, but after a few hours I matched with him. I really wanted to write him a message, because what if he didn’t wrote me a message. There were just something about him. I tried to compose a cool opening message, but after five minutes I just gave up and wrote ‘Hi :)’, and right after I just thought ‘fuck….’ Because I was convinced that he didn’t wanna reply to that. Because truth be told… I don’t even wanna reply to that, so why would he do it? 

An hour or so later, he replied. He wrote exactly the same as I did. I continue with a ‘What’s up?’ and then we just kept talking.
That evening, I was supposed to be at Liv’s, and I was actually sitting and chatting with him all evening. At one point, some guy would come over to see Liv, and we have a special deal, that whenever she gets visits by guys and I’m there, I have a boyfriend, because it’s so annoying when guys you’re not into are hitting on me (believe me, it happens a lot!).
At some point, can’t remember how we got into it, we agreed that I should call him on FaceTime. So that I do. Because of my ‘shoot first, ask never’ mentality, these words just fly out of my mouth: ‘Hey, I know this is an odd request, but can you do me the favor of pretending to be my boyfriend when my friends date come over?’. He laughed a little, but said that he could do it. 
The dude came over, and my little act went alright. After a little while, I’m kicked out to the bathroom, and it ends up with me sitting and FaceTiming with him for three hours. Since that evening, we’ve been chatting and FaceTiming every day/evening. 

After a week with pretty much non stop talking, I could feel that I really thought he was sweet. I thought he was an amazing person, and I could feel I really liked him. I decided to be perfectly honest, and tell him that I liked him. Turns out that he felt the same, which made me really happy. 
We talked about visiting each other, and we decided that I was the one to make the first visit. So one week before departure, I booked the tickets. 
Right there I got a feeling of that now it all became real, but at the same time very surreal. 

Finally the day of my departure came. My flight was at eight in the evening, so in my opinion the day was so long. I started packing on that day, to keep myself occupied, but I finished packing in thirty minutes. So the rest of the day, it was so long. After dinner my dad drove me to the airport, where I smoked a cigarette, and then I went up through security. Of course my plane was delayed by thirty minutes, but I boarded the plane in the end. 
The flight over there felt surprisingly short, but the walk from the plane to arrivals was so long. 
First of all, the flight was awful, and second of all I felt so many butterflies in my stomach and I was so nervous. I got to arrivals, and I see him standing there. I walk over there and give him the biggest hug. He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I can feel myself starting shaking, that’s how nervous I was. 

We had such a nice time, went shopping, we were sitting in the park and enjoying the sun. And one day we went to Camden in London. There were a lot of people there, which is something I have a bit of issues with, but Matthew held my hand all day. It was like he knew how difficult it was for me. I could feel that I fell more and more for him. He’s just.. Indescribable. He’s really nice to me, I’ve never been treated so good before by a man. He’s funny, and we have the exact same sense of humor. I can tell him anything, and I’m so safe with him. I just know that I could tell him anything, and he would still be there. He’s handling my illness and especially my paranoia so well. Like, I woke up one night, and told him I felt like someone was standing in the room watching me. The only thing he did was to pull me in to him tighter and cuddle me to sleep. Most people would’ve been scared half to death. He has an amazing personality, a personality you can only fall in love with. I have to admit that I might be a little crazy about him. 

As of now, we’re not a couple. At least not officially? The reason for that is that Matthew is slightly indecisive. Or.. No.. He actually isn’t. He just don’t wanna rush into things, and I can only respect that. We’ve talked about not making any decisions until we see each other again in August. It’s so weird of me to say this, but if he were to reject me.. Yes, I would be extremely sad, but I would still talk to him, and he’ll have a very special place in my heart.

Right now I’m just looking forward to go to his for a week from August 4th. Then he’ll come and see me in the end of August, and words cannot describe how excited I am for him to come. Of course I’m nervous about him meeting Vincent, but the plan is to introduce him as my friend. I’m excited about him meeting my family. I’m excited about him meeting my friends, who are also excited about meeting him. I’m excited about showing him the city I’m from, the country I’m from. I miss him so so much, but it’ll be worth the wait as soon as I’m in his arms again.